Kk'Ekk
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This article contains textual content that may be injurious to health. You are strongly recommended to refer to the provisions of the refined Bergen-op-Zoom protocol before reading on. |
kk’Ekk is one of the pan-generic Wakkofenic languages (on the right anterior branch), and as such has much in common with kl’Aaaaak, kr’uuurgh and Afrikaans. It is doubly-ideomorphic in the modified Bayes sense, meaning that if spoken aloud too frequently it can cause the speaker to develop tentacles. This Wickhampedia entry should therefore be handled with extreme care, especially by readers who are unable to stop their lips moving when processing a section of text.
Contents
Grammar
kk’Ekk is massively hypertonal, sharing many common elements with languages such as Mandarin Chinese. However, the number of tones is considerably higher, with some estimates reaching as many as two and a half thousand.
Thus, the simple phrase:
- Ek – ek – ek – ekekekekek!
means “That shade of beige works wonders for your waistline”, whereas:
- Ek – ek – ek – ekekekekek!
means “I have lately developed a particular fondness for the texture of latex.” Moreover,
- Ek – ek – ek – ekekekekek!
means “I will do anything you want as long as you wash that thing first”. And so on, for a further two thousand or so other alternatives.
The Murgatroyd question
It will therefore be seen that the possibilities for misunderstanding are practically limitless, leading to the many wars in which kk’Ekk speakers have become embroiled. A team of software developers have been working for many years on a program to facilitate automatic translation, but the results are patchy, to say the least. A recent study showed that any random piece of English text fed into the latest version, and then recursively retranslated back to English eventually stabilises to the phrase:
- Ekekekek – ek – ek – ek – ekky – ekky – ek!
or
- Grab my arm, Murgatroyd, the pancakes are dancing a tango!
No-one has yet established who Murgatroyd is, although persistent speculation points towards the Duke of Clarence.
Examples of kk’Ekk
Further examples of kk’Ekk may be read here. However, potential readers should be warned that having read the above four phrases, they are already close to the European recommended daily limit calculated using the refined Bergen-op-Zoom protocol.
Noted kk’Ekk speakers
kk’Ekk is a notoriously difficult, not to say dangerous language to master. Over the years, however, a number of individuals have succeeded in achieving a passable level of proficiency, including George Wickham, the celebrated alien hunter, and several members of the British royal family.
Further reading
- The Safer Oxford kk’Ekk-English Dictionary. OUP, 12th Edition, 2009.
- Drop Your kk’Ekks! A Compendium of Tradtional Dirty kk’Ekk Songs. Earfinger Broadsides, 2006.
- Nurdle, Prof. A. Missing Murgatroyd – In Pursuit of the kk’Ekk Singularity. Wiley, 2007.
- Smith, E. k'E. kk’Ekking Hell – My Life as a kk’Ekk translator. Quikbuk Press, 2010.
